Anger turned inwards

So, I've always been one of those people that never really thought I should start a blog because I would just use it as an excuse to whine and complain about things in my life that seem significant now, but won't actually matter in the end. So this could very well be an experiment. I may whine and then delete this entire account in a few days, but who knows.

So I came up with this title after emailing a good friend in which I described a current life situation which mirrors really all of my boy situations. As much as I adore this one kid, several events have led me to believe that I will forever remain undeniably in the friend zone. It's my home pretty much. Haven't really left it in 22 years. Not because I don't want to but when it comes down to it, I hinder myself by letting myself think that I'm unable to change, unable to move from being the sweet girl (space) friend who bakes birthday cakes, or listens to her guy friends talk about their love woes, to the one on the receiving end of their flirtations and attention. This has always bothered me to some extent, but it seems especially bothersome this weekend. Sitting next to him, I scream at myself inside my head for not saying anything really, just making small talk. I get upset with myself and really I'm overreacting, but it's harder to realize that lately because it's easier to pick at myself than to really get upset with anyone else. I guess I feel like I can take it better than they can which is ridiculous. And right now, I'm not mad at him, or "hims" of the past. I'm not really mad at me. I'm upset with two people who really have nothing to do with the good associated in my life. Except I've been trying so hard not to be upset with them because that's not the nice thing to do or what's expected of me (by them at least). But that anger has to go somewhere doesn't it? It's still fresh, only two weeks old. 22 years really if you count everything before this. Suddenly all the nit-picking of late about my body, my failures, my stagnancy, everything,  that's been crueler than usual makes sense.

So as I've been straddling the line between giving into this self hurt and letting it go, wanting to speak out but wanting to remain silent and troop through it my brain came up with the random, slightly detested idea of blogging. Before these thoughts and feelings were locked away in journals, volumes of them teeming with the good and bad that is the circus I was born into.Maybe I was right to put them there in the first place.